A yearly update, I guess. (Part 1)

 

TRIGGER WARNING: depression, self-harm

Hello.

It's been what — exactly a year since my last post? I'm sorry. I have no excuse as to why I had abandoned this blog, but yeah, I'm still here, alive, and probably well. Haha.

A lot of things happened last year, especially when Covid-19 hits the country and all, and it has affected my mental health a lot — if I were, to be honest. Starting from the second quarter of last year, things had been extremely hard for me to cope with. I was like, a breathing corpse. The episodes at that time were the worse. I felt as if I have reached my end. I.. even... tried hurting myself a few times — which really explains a lot.

I have to admit, I have yet to search for a reason to stay alive. But I will find it, insya Allah.

But, Alhamdulillah, things are getting better. And one of the reasons I'm getting better is that I've been sleeping quite soundly these days. Maybe it's because of the help from the additional medication that my doctor has prescribed for me.

Oh wait, I didn't tell you guys about it yet, did I?

So, part of the reason why my mood is a bit off and spiking up was that I have trouble sleeping at night. At first, I had to deal with insomnia  —  I slept at 5am and woke up at 3pm. The cycle kept repeating until I felt like my body isn't mine anymore. I woke up feeling lethargic, I was in a constant half-awake state, and even when the night comes, I still couldn't fall asleep. And the worse thing was, even when I'm asleep, I felt like I didn't because I dreamt a lot — of bizarre things to be exact, consisting of real-life people in very weird situations. It felt so real as if I was never asleep. I couldn't take it so I asked for my doctor's opinion, and he prescribed me an additional medicine to help to boost up the anti-depressant effect.

He prescribed me Lorazepam, which had not been quite a pleasant experience for me, to be honest.

As I took the medicine, I had been experiencing side effects such as lightheadedness, drowsiness, blurred vision etc, for months, though we had tried lowering the dosage a few times. Until during our last follow-up, he decided to change the medicine to Olanzapine instead. And now, Alhamdulillah, I feel better.

As for what I've been doing now... I'm happy to say that I've finally found a new hobby! I've been indulging myself with pc/tablet games such as Valorant and Genshin Impact for a while now. Yes, you've read it right. I play games now hahahaha. I started playing Valorant last October and the latter during March this year.

I've also been socialising with new friends inside the game, which is very nice as secara tidak langsung they help me reduce my stress. And surprisingly, most of my friends there are students from UiTM Shah Alam too! But they're in a different course as they all are from the Mechanical Engineering department ehehehe ᕙ(^▿^-ᕙ) They are all very nice and they really make sure that I won't feel left out, so I'm very thankful for them. I just wish that MCO is over so that we can meet each other though!

P.S. Btw, I have received Dean's list for two semesters in a row too! Alhamdulillah!
P.S.S. This post is supposed to be longer than this but I feel like this it's gonna be reaaaallyyyy long so I've decided to do a part 2 instead!

Later! 

 

TRIGGER WARNING: depression, self-harm

Hello.

It's been what — exactly a year since my last post? I'm sorry. I have no excuse as to why I had abandoned this blog, but yeah, I'm still here, alive, and probably well. Haha.

A lot of things happened last year, especially when Covid-19 hits the country and all, and it has affected my mental health a lot — if I were, to be honest. Starting from the second quarter of last year, things had been extremely hard for me to cope with. I was like, a breathing corpse. The episodes at that time were the worse. I felt as if I have reached my end. I.. even... tried hurting myself a few times — which really explains a lot.

I have to admit, I have yet to search for a reason to stay alive. But I will find it, insya Allah.

But, Alhamdulillah, things are getting better. And one of the reasons I'm getting better is that I've been sleeping quite soundly these days. Maybe it's because of the help from the additional medication that my doctor has prescribed for me.

Oh wait, I didn't tell you guys about it yet, did I?

So, part of the reason why my mood is a bit off and spiking up was that I have trouble sleeping at night. At first, I had to deal with insomnia  —  I slept at 5am and woke up at 3pm. The cycle kept repeating until I felt like my body isn't mine anymore. I woke up feeling lethargic, I was in a constant half-awake state, and even when the night comes, I still couldn't fall asleep. And the worse thing was, even when I'm asleep, I felt like I didn't because I dreamt a lot — of bizarre things to be exact, consisting of real-life people in very weird situations. It felt so real as if I was never asleep. I couldn't take it so I asked for my doctor's opinion, and he prescribed me an additional medicine to help to boost up the anti-depressant effect.

He prescribed me Lorazepam, which had not been quite a pleasant experience for me, to be honest.

As I took the medicine, I had been experiencing side effects such as lightheadedness, drowsiness, blurred vision etc, for months, though we had tried lowering the dosage a few times. Until during our last follow-up, he decided to change the medicine to Olanzapine instead. And now, Alhamdulillah, I feel better.

As for what I've been doing now... I'm happy to say that I've finally found a new hobby! I've been indulging myself with pc/tablet games such as Valorant and Genshin Impact for a while now. Yes, you've read it right. I play games now hahahaha. I started playing Valorant last October and the latter during March this year.

I've also been socialising with new friends inside the game, which is very nice as secara tidak langsung they help me reduce my stress. And surprisingly, most of my friends there are students from UiTM Shah Alam too! But they're in a different course as they all are from the Mechanical Engineering department ehehehe ᕙ(^▿^-ᕙ) They are all very nice and they really make sure that I won't feel left out, so I'm very thankful for them. I just wish that MCO is over so that we can meet each other though!

P.S. Btw, I have received Dean's list for two semesters in a row too! Alhamdulillah!
P.S.S. This post is supposed to be longer than this but I feel like this it's gonna be reaaaallyyyy long so I've decided to do a part 2 instead!

Later!