I've finally graduated!

Greetings.

I've finally come to my senses to update this blog after 5 months of leaving it without any updates. The last entry posted was before I graduate and somewhere between the lines stated that I would update more after I finish everything.

I failed to keep that one promise―every single time.

Sigh.

We'll talk about this later.

So back to the title―yes, I've finally graduated!

In fact, it's been a week since I've had my convocation ceremony (/^▽^)/

I don't have much to talk about because I don't even know what to say hsjdhjshsjd so I'm just gonna share with you guys some of the photos that we've taken after the convocation.

Well, um―yeah, that's me 」(￣▽￣」)

My housemates.

Never I thought that this class picture could be taken considering our circumstances (parents, friends, etc) but amazingly, with just one text, over half of the class managed to come and gather officially for the last time. The smiles, the laughter we let out as we see each other was still there, even after months of separation―as if we've never been apart. And at that time I've never felt so sure that this class, these friends―would totally be the best friends I'd ever met and I would be remembered for the rest of my life.

I love you guys so much.

Diploma in Physiotherapy―checked!

Till then.

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Maybe I should start writing again.

Road To Graduation!

Ever feel like you're running out of breath and you feel like drowning but you don't know how to save yourself from sinking much further? Have you ever felt like giving up on everything and just running away from all of your problems?

Well, I do. For the past two months and still―right now.

I've been constantly running ever since I finished my practical posting last April―we had 6 hours of classes every day; 3 hours for Women's Health and another 3 for Sports Injury. Repeat this cycle 4 days a week, for 4 weeks. The lessons were being shifted forward due to Raya so we had to finish everything before the celebration day, so we didn't have much time to study everything. Assignments, case studies, practical rubrics, tests, were all done in the same month, despite the lack of hours. Until now, I'm still amazed at how they managed to find time to cram everything hahaha.

So back to the topic; I'll be graduating in a week!

Well yeah technically there's still a convocation in September or something but nonetheless, I'll be finally free from this hectic schedule in one week's time! But here's the problem;

In order to graduate, I have to go through an hour of a professional exam; with a real case, a real patient, and two real examiners; one internal (our lecturer), and one external (physiotherapist from other hospitals). I have to spend the hour examining―subjectively and objectively, prescribing therapies and exercises, and documentation. The cases are random, they could be a musculoskeletal case, cardiorespiratory or even a neurological case. If you're having like bad luck, they could actually throw some paediatric cases in it too!

So here's another problem.

We had to draw lots in order to know which day and which group we will be assigned to in this pro-exam. And heck―I even picked the first day (which is on the 28th of May)! I was like "This ain't happening, this ain't happening, I'm not even ready!". I internally cried that's for sure. All this rush came in―and I panicked. Because God, of all days, why do I have to be the first one to go through it? I didn't have much time to study all of the cases as well as the theories and I'm afraid of messing up during the professional exam.

You see, this professional exam means a lot to me―to all of us, as this serves as the benchmark in order for us to pass the whole course. If we messed this up, we didn't consider the patient's safety, we will be failed and we have to extend another semester; going through another 3 months of practical posting, as well as another professional exam. Although we still have the final exam and the Sports Injury OSPE after the professional exam, we didn't care much because hey, if we pass the professional exam means we already passed 50% of everything! So we didn't concern much about the latter part of the final course ehehehe.

I felt like giving up, to be very honest. I felt like running away from everything. But then I remember that no matter what I do, I still have to finish this course, and then get a job, and pay the loan. Sigh.

So if you―the one who is reading this, if you have the time, please keep me―and my friends in your du'as. Pray for me to never let go of my composure once I stepped into the room and to always remember every step of the procedure during the whole hour of the exam. They would mean the whole world to us, especially me.

P/s: I'll come back with more updates once I passed this last hurdle, insya Allah!

Till then.

How I was doing at Majlis Sukan Negeri Perak.

It's been almost two months since my last post; hence my apologies for the lack of updates.

So we started the last part of our clinical posting around the last week of January. I was assigned to Majlis Sukan Negeri Perak for a month and you see, you honestly have no idea how much I've always wanted to work in a sports environment. My friends who had been there having said nothing but the nicest things about that place. So yeah I was kinda excited.

And it did not disappoint.

The whole month I was there, I felt things I'd never ever felt before. I've had a lot of fun having a practical there. We did so many things, unleashed so many skills, as well as worked in an extremely lenient environment despite the amount of workload which was otherwise. The physiotherapists there were such beautiful human beings. Even though we would sometimes sarcastically crack jokes, they always play along and would find ways to fight us back. Even though we had to work 3 weeks non-stop (yes, plus the weekends), it never felt like we were pushing ourselves but instead, we went to work with our light hearts every single day despite the physical pain we were having from the lack of sleep.

We were assigned as a group of three-to-four people, and each group was put under a physiotherapist. And luckily I had a male physiotherapist as my mentor. You see, one of the perks of having a male physiotherapist in the sports environment is that most of your patients (like really, 98% of them) are males. And this means—a lot of cases that I get to assess! Like if your patient is a woman, you would find it hard to assess them as they would be shy to reveal their site of injury. But guys—oh boy, you have no idea. I get to treat all of their problems without worrying much. And the best part was; most of the patients are around our age so it was easy for us to become closer to them!

We talked about a lot of things—we even joke around with each other, we sing, we danced, we played songs loudly in the department—they just didn't care. Even though they kept our phones away every single day, we never felt bored working there. With the help of them, we get to utilize the free time to learn new things and skills, we get to know each other, we talked a lot, gaining information about each other that we would never think of before, as we too in our circle of friends—deepened our relationship with each other day by day. And believe me, I've never been so close to my friends—and even with the physiotherapists before, yet, I did, here. It was so amazing.

It is safe to say that this was the best practical posting I've ever had. To the point that it got me thinking that if I were to become a physiotherapist, I would definitely go towards this direction.

Thank you for giving us knowledge and skills (lots of them) during this one month, especially on things we've never known or heard about before (we learned how to diagnose patients, how to do taping using Kinesio tape—thanks to you guys). Thank you for opening your hearts to us, eating with us, playing around with us, and trusting us to treat patients. The times we're together will always be close to our hearts.

And to the athletes, all the best for SUKMA! Thank you for your cooperation, and for being our friends. We'll be cheering for you guys, always.

Insya Allah when the time comes, we'll see each other again.

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Currently, I'm at Parit Buntar, serving part II of our clinical posting. Wish me luck!

Till then.

2017 in retrospect.

Note: This is going to be a long ass post.

2017 has been a hectic year, as I was busy with lots of stuff that I've never even thought of getting myself into before. This year may be crowned as the hardest year to get through, as there were lots of ups and downs along the way, but I can honestly say that I have survived all of them—even when it means that I have lost myself in the end.

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Practical posting.
So I was assigned to Segamat and Slim River for a month of practical posting respectively. They were very much different from each other to the point that I had a hard time finishing my practical, especially during the second month. You see, when you started the practical posting with a Centre (meaning that there will not be as many patients as they are in the hospitals), you would find yourself lazying around during the whole month that you ended with unfinished reports and excuses. I kinda blame it (just a bit) on the working environment itself though as, during my time, there was only one Physiotherapist there and she pretty much by herself instead of spending time with us whilst there's should be another Physiotherapist who people said to be a little stricter but she was in Makkah at that time, performing Haji, leaving the lenient Physiotherapist by herself and indirectly made us became lenient too. We were supposed to finish at least 20 case reports there but all we got there was ten at most.

So the problem arose when we went to the second posting place. Mine was the public hospital; Hospital Slim River. Public hospitals are generally well known to be full of patients—new cases, as well as the old ones, and HSR never fails to make out of the list. But that's not the problem. The problem was I'd been driven away too much that I'd forgotten most of my skills. This time though, we had a day every week where we had to treat stroke and pediatric patients. We were a little bit fast on the practical side that we have never actually practised anything theoretically in those fields before. Sure we've learned a bit in Neurology last semester and we would have some ideas on how to treat patients with neurological problems, but this doesn't mean that we're that competent enough to treat them all by ourselves. There was a lot of pressure during that time and believe me, there was so much more—but this is the only thing that I can disclose due to the fact that I have a goldfish memory and the inability to extract words formed inside my head haha.

I'm not saying that it was bad, generally, though, since my other friends that have been there have said nothing but the nicest things about that place. But I can't lie to myself—that it was hell to me. Mainly because I was not competent enough to treat patients. But on the other hand, because of this, too, have made me realize what I want to become in the future. It really helped me a lot, and I'm thankful for each and every one of them. I get to treat lots of rare cases, learn new things and techniques, and I get to improve my circle of friends as we learned a lot about each other during the whole month. As much as it was hell for me, I could survive because of them. And if I were to go through the same situation, I would definitely do it again, because I know that they would be with me no matter what.

One thing that I regretted the most was I didn't study enough for the practical posting, even when I know that I have to work extra hard because of the nature of the workplace. So a note to myself and maybe to the others; that always be prepared for any kind of situation. (1) Study more, and if possible, study a little bit deeper into the required field as this would really help you in giving out or innovating ideas, especially in desperate situations, and (2) keep an eye on the details and pointers that could be useful for you in the future.


DAY6 changed my life.
One of the best things that I have discovered this year was DAY6 and I can never be more proud of myself. You know there are times when you're searching for the perfect thing to make your life a better place but you just couldn't find it because you know—it has to be perfect and you just know that you haven't found the perfect one yet? Like in the movies, the protagonists would know that person is the one for them the second they set their eyes on them? Like—they just knew. In my life, I've been searching for songs that could be the source of solace for so long, and honestly before, I have yet to find any of them until one day I coincidently gave DAY6 a listen.

I don't exactly remember everything from the start well since—it just happened. The duration between the acknowledgement of their existence and the time when I first fell for them was too blurry to even tell. All that I know, was that I loved them the second I listened to them. The thing about DAY6 is that their lyrics are so strong and so close to the heart that they really spoke their mind using their lyrics. The lyrics are fairly simple and straightforward, compared to other groups that I've been listening to yet I can feel the depth of their emotions whenever I listen to it—as if I understood the whole thing. Their fandom... is also like the sweetest thing ever. The bond between them and DAY6 is really out of this world. Like even though you joined so late, joined after 2 years of their debut, joined in the middle of the EveryDay6 project, they never really let you feel like an outcast but rather let you feel like you were there from the start. That is how powerful they are.

And because of them, my life had been more bearable, I'm very happy now. I was able to withstand many challenges and even though I broke myself along the way, they were there to help me out—both DAY6 and My Days. I even did (and still does) something that I usually don't do my whole life—is by participating in the #MyDaySelcaDay thread on Twitter!


Changing of music preference.
I just had this thought when I was skimming through my best friend's Twitter account—that God, how I and my other friends' have changed so much in terms of our music preferences. This already happened ever since the beginning, but I was just too late to realize it haha. Looking back when we were hardcore EXO-Ls, we always saw different angles of them and had different biases; like Mira with her sexy dancer-type with reversible charms like Kai and Sehun, while Mai would go to the innocent-kinky type like Suho, and how I would always go for the vocalists like Baekhyun and Kyungsoo. But now that we've moved on from them (not entirely but still, and there's still Mira) and went to different groups, I can now totally see how different we are—like Mira is still sticking with EXO (which has a heavy stage presence), Mai going for more hardcore groups with great dance performances such as NCT, SEVENTEEN, and Monsta X, while I go further (like literally stray away lmao) for more vocals.

Back to the title—like I said, my music taste has changed throughout the year. Back then I would prefer songs with catchy beats and strong performances as it lightens up my mood, but now it kinda slows down to songs with strong lyrics and soothing voices. It kinda cools me down, you know, and it relaxes my mind too—which is something that I really need to balance my (busy) daily routine. So yes, I am now a big fan of DAY6 and Baek Ayeon, as well as 15& and Taeyeon (and KARD too!).

Source: Baek Ayeon's Instagram

Kim Jonghyun's passing and depression.
So we were shocked by the news of SHINee's Jonghyun's passing. At that time, I was just searching for Soompi articles when suddenly an article about him showed up. At first, I didn't believe it, like—"Are you serious? My Kim Jonghyun?". I was so scared I literally searched for his articles all over Twitter, and I could never be more devastated when I found out that he died due to depression.

You see, him being dead is one thing, him being dead due to depression is another thing. He was one of the first biases I've ever had when I first started loving K-Pop. He meant so much to me. I literally cried for three days (yes judge me all you want I am that shallow—or maybe just a little bit more soft-hearted), I didn't have the strength to talk to people, and I would just sit there and watch the whole thing passed. And at one point my friends started to get worried about me.

But life must go on. I've let him go. And I'm fine now.

The thing about depression is—you don't see it coming. And this is the thing that has been bothering me ever since I started my uni life. While I still don't know whether what I'm having right now is a legit depression or it's just some kind of other condition that I'm not aware of, I've noticed the changes in myself as I get through life. It keeps getting harder and harder to go through, to the point I feel like giving up—even with life. I find it harder to speak out, to reach out for anyone, and I find that being alone is so comfortable, to the point that I feel very sesak dada when I'm in a room filled with people. I can't stand noises and I would do my best to be alone at any time.

There was this day when we had a mental health campaign on our campus, so, I and my friend decided to take part in it. We were given a questionnaire to answer to rate our stress, anxiety, and depression and I scored moderate for anxiety and serious for stress and depression. They then took me to see the counsellor, and he asked me how I cope with my stress. And all that I can think of at that time was that I tend to be alone when the stress hits me and somehow it continues on a daily basis. I also said to him that at one point, I just thought of giving up everything and go. But I didn't remember his response though as it was too much to process haha.

I've thought of reaching out for help. I've even thought of going to the hospital. But I'm not sure whether I'm doing the right thing, and I'm afraid that this thing that I have turn out to be something else other than depression and I'm afraid of the people's judgment would be when they get to know my actual diagnosis. But I know that I've been fighting with my inner demons—whatever it is for too long I don't know how things will last though in the future.

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So that's it for the year 2017! It has been a wild roller coaster ride. But I'm glad I could make it through.

2018, let's work hard!

Till then.