After 456 days.

Trigger warning: Depression and death talks.

Well hello there.

As the title says, it's been 456 days since I last updated my blog, and that was like a year and 3 months ago. Like again, a lot of things had happened during that time, but being me—I won't let it all out here, again, haha. So I'm just going to simplify some things and get started!

+++

2019.
After graduation in June 2018 (and formal ceremony in October of the same year), I spent almost a year staying at home, lazying around doing nothing. Doing literally nothing, to the point that my parents were worried about me for not getting a job. To be honest, at that time, I was not sure whether to pursue a career within my field of study or just try a new thing instead. I had been going back and forth between work and study—on which should I prioritize more at that moment. But seeing my parents being anxious about my wellbeing (and making myself anxious as well), I decided to apply for a job, which I got accepted two weeks later.

It was April when I first started working. Things were great at that time. Unleashing my extrovert-ness, I made friends with my colleagues pretty quickly and even became close to them in a short amount of time, which amazes them as well. Things were going fine, until 4 months later. I began to feel tired, mentally and physically. I became disinterested in people and surroundings, wishy-washy moods, I cried a lot and I didn't even know why, and I distant myself from people, including my parents.

Things got worse in September when I got my first panic attack. It was during work hours, and I had to be sent back home by my colleagues because I became half-conscious after the panic attack. But the thing is, I don't know what was the cause of the sudden (or maybe gradually) change in my thoughts towards my work. I ended up hating my work (which I loved before), I don't feel like going to work and somehow it affected my whole body in which I had to take sick leaves at least twice per month due to various health problems.

That's when I knew something was up. All these times I've experienced loneliness, these depressive moments, even throughout my uni life (as I've mentioned before in one of my blog posts 2 years ago), there's just something that has been bugging my mind and body all these years. So I decided to reach out. I went to the hospital to seek professional help and I quit my job on the last day of December 2019.

I've been diagnosed with major depressive disorder (clinical depression) and I'm now on medication.

It's hard, honestly. There are days when I wish I would be better off dead instead. There are days when I'm on my bed wanting to sleep, and I suddenly cried for no absolute reason wishing for everything to stop. There are days when my anxiety strikes during my day off when I would be supposed to be relaxing at home (given that I only have one day off per week) but instead, I went out, in a half-conscious state, driving to destinations without even thinking. It's very tiring. The depression itself is very tiring. But there's nothing I could do. I just have to live with it, to fight with it.

I'm feeling a little bit better now. Not entirely good since it still attacks me sometimes, but better. Better than before. The first step I took was by going back on Twitter which I have left for almost a year, connecting back with people that I loved the most. Even writing this blog post is a challenge for me, to open up myself. My therapist encouraged me to do what I want and what I love so here I am. I'm still having a hard time dealing with social media though in general. Hahaha.


My future.
As I've stated above, I came to this stage again where I couldn't decide whether I should have a career within my field of study or should I try a new path instead. I still love Physiotherapy, I really do. I love that feeling of accomplishment when I get to help people ease their pain/problem (dengan izin Allah). But I'm not confident with my skills. I'm not confident with my knowledge, even more, since I've left this field for almost 2 years. I'm afraid of myself. But if I try a new path, I'm not sure if that path is the right path to take. I'm afraid that all of my efforts will go to waste.

I have to make a decision that can make my parents happy, and most importantly, make myself happy. I don't want to regret anything and I don't want to burden my parents anymore. I have to make sure that my decision could bring happiness to everyone, and this time without losing myself. I still don't know what it is but I'll keep looking for the answer. I will. I have to.


The future of this blog.
I'm gonna leave y'all with uncertainties as usual lol. I'm not sure when and how will I update after this. But I do have one thing/topic in mind and this thing would keep the blog alive at least once a month but other than that—personal stories? Let's just hope that there will be more in the future hahaha.

That is all for today.

Have a great day ahead!

Trigger warning: Depression and death talks.

Well hello there.

As the title says, it's been 456 days since I last updated my blog, and that was like a year and 3 months ago. Like again, a lot of things had happened during that time, but being me—I won't let it all out here, again, haha. So I'm just going to simplify some things and get started!

+++

2019.
After graduation in June 2018 (and formal ceremony in October of the same year), I spent almost a year staying at home, lazying around doing nothing. Doing literally nothing, to the point that my parents were worried about me for not getting a job. To be honest, at that time, I was not sure whether to pursue a career within my field of study or just try a new thing instead. I had been going back and forth between work and study—on which should I prioritize more at that moment. But seeing my parents being anxious about my wellbeing (and making myself anxious as well), I decided to apply for a job, which I got accepted two weeks later.

It was April when I first started working. Things were great at that time. Unleashing my extrovert-ness, I made friends with my colleagues pretty quickly and even became close to them in a short amount of time, which amazes them as well. Things were going fine, until 4 months later. I began to feel tired, mentally and physically. I became disinterested in people and surroundings, wishy-washy moods, I cried a lot and I didn't even know why, and I distant myself from people, including my parents.

Things got worse in September when I got my first panic attack. It was during work hours, and I had to be sent back home by my colleagues because I became half-conscious after the panic attack. But the thing is, I don't know what was the cause of the sudden (or maybe gradually) change in my thoughts towards my work. I ended up hating my work (which I loved before), I don't feel like going to work and somehow it affected my whole body in which I had to take sick leaves at least twice per month due to various health problems.

That's when I knew something was up. All these times I've experienced loneliness, these depressive moments, even throughout my uni life (as I've mentioned before in one of my blog posts 2 years ago), there's just something that has been bugging my mind and body all these years. So I decided to reach out. I went to the hospital to seek professional help and I quit my job on the last day of December 2019.

I've been diagnosed with major depressive disorder (clinical depression) and I'm now on medication.

It's hard, honestly. There are days when I wish I would be better off dead instead. There are days when I'm on my bed wanting to sleep, and I suddenly cried for no absolute reason wishing for everything to stop. There are days when my anxiety strikes during my day off when I would be supposed to be relaxing at home (given that I only have one day off per week) but instead, I went out, in a half-conscious state, driving to destinations without even thinking. It's very tiring. The depression itself is very tiring. But there's nothing I could do. I just have to live with it, to fight with it.

I'm feeling a little bit better now. Not entirely good since it still attacks me sometimes, but better. Better than before. The first step I took was by going back on Twitter which I have left for almost a year, connecting back with people that I loved the most. Even writing this blog post is a challenge for me, to open up myself. My therapist encouraged me to do what I want and what I love so here I am. I'm still having a hard time dealing with social media though in general. Hahaha.


My future.
As I've stated above, I came to this stage again where I couldn't decide whether I should have a career within my field of study or should I try a new path instead. I still love Physiotherapy, I really do. I love that feeling of accomplishment when I get to help people ease their pain/problem (dengan izin Allah). But I'm not confident with my skills. I'm not confident with my knowledge, even more, since I've left this field for almost 2 years. I'm afraid of myself. But if I try a new path, I'm not sure if that path is the right path to take. I'm afraid that all of my efforts will go to waste.

I have to make a decision that can make my parents happy, and most importantly, make myself happy. I don't want to regret anything and I don't want to burden my parents anymore. I have to make sure that my decision could bring happiness to everyone, and this time without losing myself. I still don't know what it is but I'll keep looking for the answer. I will. I have to.


The future of this blog.
I'm gonna leave y'all with uncertainties as usual lol. I'm not sure when and how will I update after this. But I do have one thing/topic in mind and this thing would keep the blog alive at least once a month but other than that—personal stories? Let's just hope that there will be more in the future hahaha.

That is all for today.

Have a great day ahead!