Hello.
I'm writing this at 2:34 a.m., just 30 minutes after a constant two-hour of a depressive episode. As I'm writing this, I was extremely tired, my eyes are puffy from all the crying and my head hurts too much that I wanted to sleep right away.
But I can't. That's the problem.
I've been having these thoughts where I feel like nobody is actually listening to me. Like genuinely listening. Most of them just lent their ears and then proceeded with "encouragements" and "tips" to overcome them (which I don't even need) without even showing proper sympathy, moreover empathy.
I'm sick of hearing those same words over and over again.
That is not what I want.
I just want someone to listen to me. To tell me that even though you don't understand, you're giving your best to actually try to understand me, that you're trying to put yourself into my shoes, that you really want to be there for me. I only want that and nothing else.
But apparently, almost nobody does this.
Not even the doctors.
And I can't blame them. Because they don't know how I actually feel. They can't empathize with me.
I understand them, I do. But I'm still, still somehow hoping that there is someone who's actually different from them. Just that one person. That one person is all I need.
But again, it's only a dream. A mere hope.
I just hope someday, all of these would just end.
Goodbye.
Hello.
I'm writing this at 2:34 a.m., just 30 minutes after a constant two-hour of a depressive episode. As I'm writing this, I was extremely tired, my eyes are puffy from all the crying and my head hurts too much that I wanted to sleep right away.
But I can't. That's the problem.
I've been having these thoughts where I feel like nobody is actually listening to me. Like genuinely listening. Most of them just lent their ears and then proceeded with "encouragements" and "tips" to overcome them (which I don't even need) without even showing proper sympathy, moreover empathy.
I'm sick of hearing those same words over and over again.
That is not what I want.
I just want someone to listen to me. To tell me that even though you don't understand, you're giving your best to actually try to understand me, that you're trying to put yourself into my shoes, that you really want to be there for me. I only want that and nothing else.
But apparently, almost nobody does this.
Not even the doctors.
And I can't blame them. Because they don't know how I actually feel. They can't empathize with me.
I understand them, I do. But I'm still, still somehow hoping that there is someone who's actually different from them. Just that one person. That one person is all I need.
But again, it's only a dream. A mere hope.
I just hope someday, all of these would just end.
Goodbye.
I'm so sorry to hear that, but I hope you are doing fine. I think we probably have a similar situations. I used to be like that too, things were really bad back then. I felt like escaping many things and I wish people would understand. The words of encouragement mostly doesn't work anymore. I started to get irritated with those "positive" words. But the thing that changed me was prayer and my family. When I thought I have no escape, prayer and their supports led my way. I also have friends going through it, and I'm sure there are many people out there who are having the same situations too. But take care of yourself, and know that it will pass. That's what I've been reminding myself all the time. There are many wonderful things I have yet to try, and that excites me so much. I don't want to missed any of them. hehehe
ReplyDeleteAll the best to you!✲ﾟ｡.(✿╹◡╹)ﾉ☆.｡₀:*ﾟ✲ﾟ*:₀｡
If you want to talk to me, you can send me a message anytime too! (๑￫‿ฺ￩๑)
Honestly, I've been telling myself the same thing, over and over. But sometimes, it still feels useless, you know? Like you, the only reason I'm still holding on is because of my family, and my family only. I could leave everything behind, friends, people, you know it, but my family? I just couldn't afford to. Not to them.
DeleteBut sometimes, there are just moments where you feel like you shouldn't have been alive. The one thing I needed the most, the emotional support; no one could give it so me, because I unknowingly locked myself inside but could never find the key to open the door for them. That's the state I am right now. It's so frustrating.
But thank you for your kind words. I appreciate it very much. I will, someday ^^
'End of the beginning. Beginning of the end.' Life - of matters that we thought we know through and through, turns out we have been seeing it at a slightly different angle than it is - hence the hindrance. To be able to talk about what you have kept for so long, need a five-tiers-level-of-courage; you are doing good, and I pray you all the happiness in the world.
ReplyDeleteThis is only superficial though. You haven't gotten into my dark side yet hahaha. But thank you for your kind words. Aamin aamin ya rabbal alamin..
DeleteHi Una, I hope you're doing well. Its's a tough world and I need you to be strong. Find your passion, hobbies something that can get you busy. Take care Una :)
ReplyDeleteSalam perkenalan.
I will, thank you for your kind words :-)
DeleteSalam perkenalan juga ^^
i totally knows how it feels. saya pun macam ni juga. saya rasa takde orang faham saya, saya rasa saya complicated
ReplyDeletedan sebab saya complicated ni, saya hilang orang yg saya sayang. mesti dia tak tahan dengan saya kan? kesian dia :)
but alhamdulillah, walaupun teruk keadaan saya waktu tu sampaikan kena makan ubat, saya bersyukur sebab ada kawan2 yg supportive. cuma bila ingat balik kejadian tu, saya tetap takleh stop salahkan diri sendiri sebab rasa bersalah
Alhamdulillah, glad to hear that. I'm still in the trial phase(?) whether the meds are actually working or not so I'm not so sure. I'm still having those thoughts every now and then though. But all is well. I'll get through this someday, insya Allah.
Delete